He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
