I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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