So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize