it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
