Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
