you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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