she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Randomize
