I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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