I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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