I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
