Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
