You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
