Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
either way he was missing a nipple.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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