Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
