You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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