I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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