he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
