Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
