i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
