Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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