dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
