I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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