my vag is so smooth its legendary
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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