i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
