I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
