the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
