just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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