I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize