glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
