you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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