I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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