Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize