i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
