does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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