there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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