as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
