His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
