You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
