You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize