so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
