She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
