yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
