new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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