hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
