just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
