The maid of honor just puked.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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