oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
