i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
this is an emotional support booty call
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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