i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Hippo gnu deer
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
