everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
