Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
