I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
