He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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