it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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