I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
