Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize